Honestly, I had no idea that this pandemic which we didn’t expect unveiled to drastically spread to cause lockdown which happened to be extended to its utmost until it reached my special day, indeed anxiety-inducing. We were under quarantine, and I had to adjust about the setup to what’s going to happen after all the plans I made in my mind prior to this.
So here’s the thing, I admit that I’ve had a birthday blues, this might sound an oxymoron but, yes I had to deal with it. Despite the fact that I should be excited anything about my special day like positivity, love, joy, attention, people, and other stuffs — it seemed to be a paradox, or something I’m feeling to contradict with what it should look like or what should I feel.
Maybe for some, it feels like they’re obligated to feel special and celebrate the day they were born. And as for me, I know this is supposed to be a good time and I’m blessed about the present and good things happened and still happening in my life, it’s just that there are tons of thoughts which gradually bug me to feel anxious on my birthday. Here are some:
#1 I’m aging another year. “Age is just a number” they say, but there’s no denying about the feeling and the changes which come along with getting another one. I got to always compare my present self to my younger self about my physical, mental, and emotional aspects. I know it will take at least a couple of times to accept it and look forward.
#2 I’m feeling the weight of others expectation. I believe it’s just really up to me on how I put action to make something happen for my sanity, career, family, or finances and to obtain it in a specific time as I age. You definitely can’t avoid some people to observe the gap between who you are and what they want you to have or become. But on another note, it’s easy to say for some that they don’t need anyone’s validation on how they should be living their lives because there’s always a perfect timing and chance for everyone. Which I think I should keep in mind also.
#3 My own expectations. I have this unhealthy attachment to things like expecting outcomes I wish I could control but I just couldn’t. My birthday serves every year as the reminder to accomplish things I wanted for a certain age. It allows me to contemplate the things which I haven’t accomplished yet which tends to create heartbreaks through my expectations. But I guess it’s time to count all the accomplishments I did whether big or small and feel proud of my capabilities I lacked to notice.
My 23rd Birthday 🎈
“It’s my birthday, so I’m celebrating everything.”
Despite all these things in my head, and on what’s happening around, my birthday was still a blast, and I am blessed to have my family, friends and colleagues to make me feel I’m showered with abundance of appreciation, love, and warmth for me to embrace this so-called birthday blues. I think it’s normal for a certain individual to feel sad around his birthday, which I experienced it myself but I overcome it.
How about you? Ever felt something to came up with realizations on your birthday? How do you spend your day?
I wonder what’s going to happen next. See you on my next blog.